Wi-Philes

As everybody and their mother knows, Circuit City is about to close its doors forever. I assume that I am the only person who is vaguely upset by this, as it gives me one less place to go wander around while I am on my lunch break. Almost as commonly well-known as the fact that they are closing is the fact that the deals they are offering are, more likely than not, a complete rip-off. Don't fret, however – I will now share with you the secret of getting lots of DVDs and maybe some games much cheaper than they are now.

First, figure out when your Circuit City is closing. This is, by far, the most difficult step, as everybody in the store is about to be unemployed, and as a result they are about as interested in you as you are in reading this blog. Nobody would tell me when my local Circuit City is closing, but popular opinion is that they will be gone Monday nationwide.

Second, go to Circuit City and make a stack of whatever you want. I found about 30 DVDs I wanted, but I definitely was not going to pay 50% off MSRP for them.

Third, go find the digital TV converter boxes. Odds are, your store still has 200 or so. This is because they are for old people, and old people are dangerous behind the wheel and serve no useful purpose. My store had three whole shelves of converter boxes. Move some boxes on the bottom shelf, and make a little cave near the back of the shelf. Hide all your DVDs and games in there, and then stack boxes on top of and around them. Just like you use couch cushions to make a fort.

Fourth, wait for this weekend. As the store gets closer and closer to the closing date, the discounts on DVDs and games will rise and rise. When it hits 80% or 90%, head back to Circuit City and go find your stuff. Hopefully, nobody else who reads N-Philes lives in your city.

Keep in mind that this will only work on things that are not discounted individually. If it has a handwritten tag on it, you cannot hide it, or else an employee will not be able to discount it.

Tonight saw the revealing of Sony's new REALITY SYNTHESIZING console, the Playstation 3. I kept myself updated throughout the ordeal in N-Philes' very own chat (#n-philes on irc.dorksnet.org) and shared in both the revelries and disappointments as they were presented. Using the copy and paste feature so generously provided us by Microsoft, I present to you, the reader, some thoughts of the gaming public as pertaining to the Playstation 3. Chang, eat your heart out.

Pre-conference banter:

<Biohazard> ps3 =)

<Biohazard> can't wait

<FoxHimself> I wanna see this s***

<SomeoneElse> When does e3 start, anyway?

<NightsB> eventually

<Joestere> in like 7 minutes

<Biohazard> actually i have a very nice face

<danytoca> so does nights am i rite ;)

<TheHumanCow> no

After a flurry of HotOrNot personalities were provided by FoxHimself and duly laughed at, the conference began:

<NightsB> OMG HIDEO KOJIMA AT E3? NO WAY!

<NightsB> NEVER WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING

<danytoca> WTF TWILIGHT PRINCESS CONFRIMED

<GreenNight> OMG KIDDIE

<fudge> yay backwards compatibility

<FoxHimself> ps3 floating point calculations

<TheHumanCow> sony's presentation is always just a bunch of numbers

At long last, the PS3 specs were broken to the chat by mohd223:

<danytoca> oo

<GreenNight> $800

<Keazu> Odd, my pantaloons seem to have a rather boarish gooder inside them.

<danytoca> ps3 has so much s***

<Keazu> Everything will be too expensive.

<Rogue> That's insane.

<Rogue> 9.6GHz doesn't even exist. Anywhere. >_<

After the initial shock wore off, discussion and dissection of the techspeak ensued:

<Firecrest> anyway, saturn had dual processors

<Firecrest> and it didn't turn out better than the psx

<MewMewtwo45> Seven bluetooth wireless controllers?

<MewMewtwo45> Why such a number? How about eight?

<FFantasyFX> Huh? What? There's a rumor going around that the PS3 has less MB of RAM than the X360? Bahahahahah . . .

<TheHumanCow> yeah it does

<Firecrest> sony always tends to go with less ram D:

<TheHumanCow> 512 mb as opposed to 522 in the 360

<Jerado> I can't understand why they would do seven controllers

FoxHimself was first to track down pictures of the actual console. How did our crack team of critics respond?

<AV-Cables> what in the hell

<Joestere> holy crap

<Joestere> that actually looks good

<AV-Cables> that is exceedingly sexy

<TheHumanCow> very nice

<FoxHimself> It is indeed

<Biohazard> nintendoomed :(

<AV-Cables> it looks like the spiderman font

<Rogue> that looks awesome.

<NightsB> that's awesome

<Keazu> The writing reminds me of Spiderman.

<FFantasyFX> Looks like a scanner.

<TheHumanCow> it looks like a sexy refrigerator

I really love the shift there from WHOA to "Wait, look what's weird here." Anyway, the controller was unveiled, much to the delight of all:

<Biohazard> omg

<AV-Cables> HAHAHAHAHA

<Wesker> that is the s***tiest s*** ever s***

<NightsB> that cant f***ing be real

<Andrew\sleep> hahahaha

<danytoca> NO FKN WAY

<Rogue> HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

<danytoca> PS3 IS DOOMED

<Andrew\sleep> it's a double penetration dildo

<Rogue> It's a sex toy.

<TheHumanCow> oh good lord that is the worst controller ever

<FoxHimself> ahahahaha, that CANT be the controller

<Biohazard> ...wtf

<danytoca> aaaaaaaaaaaHAHAHAaaaaaa

<FFantasyFX> Looks like a boomerang.

<FFantasyFX> The scanner & the boomerang.

<FoxHimself> oh holy hell, that is the ugliest controller EVER

<Floydthebarber> that can't be the controller

<Keazu> That controller is ugly as hell.

<Br26> i bet sony was like "lol hey look at the n64 lets make it like that except the third thing in the middle" and everyone was like "BRILLIANT!"

<Jerado> I don't see how ANYONE could like that

<HadesGigas> tape two of them together and you got the PS3 steering wheel accesory

<Jerado> It has to be fake

<Spacecow> FFFX: Why not dual-cock? That even rhymes

Talk soon returned to Average White Band and anticipation of Nintendo's conference tomorrow, but for one brief moment the entire chat was unified in its hatred of Sony's Batarang controller. Never before has a group of people been so strongly and universally polarized. If you enjoyed our playful banter and would like to join in a celebration of all things Revolution and Twilight Princess, be sure to be in #n-philes tomorrow, May 17, at 9:00 AM PDT (12:00 PM EST) for live commentary on the Nintendo press conference. #N-philes: Sometimes immature, but always insightful.