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- Name: Steven DeSiena
- Location: New York City, NY
Blog
Feb 10th, 2007LOL, Reviews
I grew up surrounding myself with all different magazines, including a number of gaming ones. Back in the early 90's, GamePro wasn't only respectable but their writers had character and wit that is, unfortunately, lost in their recent issues (and by "recent", I mean the last seven years of issues). So once I discovered the internet my subscriptions began to dwindle and I started strictly looking on the web for the entertainment void in me that could no longer be filled with petty print magazines. At least as far as gaming magazines go, because most other magazines I read back then are still great now. So for the past few years of my electronerd existence, I've taken well to the realm of professional and amateur online journalism. I've been doing the latter for nearly four years now so I've got a special place in my heart for the kids that do it just because. I do it just because I've got nothing else to do, and I figured if I'm doomed to waste my life and die lonely then I might as well write about things that I see. Take, for example, right now. Right now I'm writing about writing. Someone tell me when I've broken the fourth wall in journalism because I feel like I'm getting closer and closer every day.
I particularly keep tabs on Nintendo fansites, because I used to help run the one that you're reading right now, so I like to think I have some kind of special degree in Nintendo Fansite Aesthetic. I will admit right now that I think the only Nintendo fansite that is respectable and entertaining to read is N-Sider, and it has been that way for years. Oh, and N-Philes is O.K. too. N-Sider used to be pretty big on its Heart Containers column written by Brandon Daiker. In Heart Containers, Brandon would take user-submitted mail and come up with an answer that, more often than not (at least in the later editions), was a witty riff on the subject, complete with internet jokes, and some poorly photoshopped images to accompany each answer. It was actually really funny, and it's a shame Brandon doesn't update it anymore. But my point here is that Heart Containers wasn't just a joke column, but major illustrative commentary on what Nintendo fansites should have been. It was tongue-in-cheek and it'd never last on anything except for a lower-key site like N-Sider, but if, say, PlanetGamecube, one of the top-visited Nintendo fansites on the internet, had staff members throughout its history that were even a fraction as clever as Brandon then there would have been greater risks taken during PGC's major stages of development, and the current articles published on the site would probably be a lot more fun to read, rather than the mostly matter-of-fact drivel that gets slapped on its front page every day.
I say these things strictly as a spectator, because the irony here is that PGC is at the top of the Nintendo fansite food chain because of how hard their previous directors worked, and that is admirable in an entrepreneurial sense. Because we all know Nintendo fansites are big business. And I do check PGC (now named Nintendo World Report, which is not to be confused with the Nintendo World Store located in midtown Manhattan) (...) every day just so I can have a bit more ammo. This is as opposed to any site in the Advanced Media Network, which I completely refuse to read because their amateur staff writers really, really want to be professionals, and it shows, because most of the stuff that is published on their front page is completely devoid of any character. That and their layouts are eye raping. Oh, and I can never remember the URLs to their sites so I wind up having to Google them every time I want to have my eyes sodomized. Sodomy. Raping. Fellatio. This is why video games aren't considered an art form, guys. Sorry.
So, because I have a degree in being a snooty Nintendo fansite reader, I have a bit of a prize for all those who read my N-Sight today. I've made a little list of video game reviews that are doing it right. You see, after reading every review published on every website ever, you really start to appreciate the ones that go above and beyond the normal boundaries of accepted "video games journalism" and actually strive to make the reader not only feel entertained, but feel for the writer himself. This list is by no means exhaustive as it only contains reviews that I can think of off the top of my head, but there are a few good ones in here. So please continue on to read my first N-Sight in way too long, entitled...
X-Entertainment
Jaws: The Nintendo Game!
by Matt (2004)
I'll start this off with one of my favorite reviews ever, and certainly the definitive review of Jaws for the NES, by Matt, owner of X-Entertainment.com. This review is so good that if I had a counter that kept track of how many times I've read it, I would have surely broken it by now. There are so many good jokes about the NES design status quo and they're all spot on, from bad copy-editing to disproportionate sprites to uneven difficulty levels.
It's great the whole way through, and the best part is there's an .mp3 at the end of the essay of the entire review read back through a text-to-speech thing.
PlanetGameCube
Pokemon Dash
by Chris Bethea (2005)
Christ Bethea wasn't a PGC contributor for too long (which totally justifies me slamming them back there) and I'll admit now that I don't quite remember why I laughed at this when it was first published (even more justification), but I did. I think it was interesting to see a review published on PlanetPressRelease that had the tagline "The should have called it 'Pokémon Crap'. Because it's crap." NWR take note: that is exactly the kind of abstract that I like to see.
Anyway there are some decent jokes in this article, specifically towards the beginning, but he did generally do a good job of getting across his contempt for the title and you kind of feel bad for him because of it, as the reader. It's one of those deals where he makes it look so bad that you kind of want to play the game just to see his points for yourself, but you know you'll end up thinking like him anyway. That's reverse persuasion, or something.
InsertCredit
Sonic Battle
by Tim Rogers (2004)
I consider this to be the only good review of Sonic Battle ever written. Tim Rogers is no stranger to the style he wrote this in, a style dubbed "new games journalism", which is all about being pretentious and not too much about video games. Actually, he might have invented that term. He might have invented God for all I know. Anyway his review actually starts a third of the way down the page but the setup is fun to read. He called Sonic Battle a "video game based on a video game" because of the story that seems almost too un-Sonic-y, which is true because I distinctly remember tasting my lunch after getting 15 minutes into the game. It makes Sonic Rush's story look as fun as Kill Bill's and that game involves a god damn cat on fire that comes from another dimension.
Consolevania
Modern Man
by some dude at Consolevania (2007)
This is a video and it might not be a review but it's pretty great. It's for an old surreal Japanese arcade game called Trio the Punch. Please don't open it if someone is in the same room as you.
N-Philes
Dogz
by Jordan Mammo (2007)
Yes, this was just published on N-Philes a few days ago, but I think it deserves special mention. I used to have a mental list of Nintendo fansite writers that I liked. I would religiously read every article written by them as they were published. But now that list is down to one person, and that happens to be Jordan. This is a review of Ubisoft's pet sim game Dogz and it's so funny I actually laughed harder the second time I read it.
This is one of the funniest things written for N-Philes and definitely one of my favorite reviews published on any fansite. He doesn't outright say that the game sucks even though he railed it in the overall score, but instead talks about the experience the game tries to create and how bizarre it can be. That's perfect. That's what new games journalism should be, really.
ScrewAttack
The Nerd's Christmas Fun Part 1
by James Rolfe (2006)
James Rolfe's internet streaming video character may run its joke well dry sometimes but he definitely nailed it in his rant on Bible Adventures for the NES. The Angry Video Game Nerd's riffs in this video go beyond his usual "puke in its own ass" lines and jokes about animals humping his ear and actually shows some cleverness that was unexpected, even for me, and I love this character. Watching him go on about how Noah can lift a horse over his head and still run at full speed kind of makes you wish one of your friends were that funny so you and him could just hang around and play bad NES games all day. His timing is great and his lines aren't obnoxious and force as they sometimes are. So if you've had a bad impression of this guy, at least check this video out, because it has some great moments.
So that's all I've got for now and seeing as how it's nearing two A.M. I guess I should probably get some sleep. Maybe I'll post more later, maybe I won't, but I'll end with this note:
I've been doing this for years and I probably know more than you about amateur online journalism. If you're going to write reviews that's great, but at least read some other ones that aren't published on IGN or GameSpot, at least every once in a while. Being substandard is what's keeping us sharp.
I particularly keep tabs on Nintendo fansites, because I used to help run the one that you're reading right now, so I like to think I have some kind of special degree in Nintendo Fansite Aesthetic. I will admit right now that I think the only Nintendo fansite that is respectable and entertaining to read is N-Sider, and it has been that way for years. Oh, and N-Philes is O.K. too. N-Sider used to be pretty big on its Heart Containers column written by Brandon Daiker. In Heart Containers, Brandon would take user-submitted mail and come up with an answer that, more often than not (at least in the later editions), was a witty riff on the subject, complete with internet jokes, and some poorly photoshopped images to accompany each answer. It was actually really funny, and it's a shame Brandon doesn't update it anymore. But my point here is that Heart Containers wasn't just a joke column, but major illustrative commentary on what Nintendo fansites should have been. It was tongue-in-cheek and it'd never last on anything except for a lower-key site like N-Sider, but if, say, PlanetGamecube, one of the top-visited Nintendo fansites on the internet, had staff members throughout its history that were even a fraction as clever as Brandon then there would have been greater risks taken during PGC's major stages of development, and the current articles published on the site would probably be a lot more fun to read, rather than the mostly matter-of-fact drivel that gets slapped on its front page every day.
I say these things strictly as a spectator, because the irony here is that PGC is at the top of the Nintendo fansite food chain because of how hard their previous directors worked, and that is admirable in an entrepreneurial sense. Because we all know Nintendo fansites are big business. And I do check PGC (now named Nintendo World Report, which is not to be confused with the Nintendo World Store located in midtown Manhattan) (...) every day just so I can have a bit more ammo. This is as opposed to any site in the Advanced Media Network, which I completely refuse to read because their amateur staff writers really, really want to be professionals, and it shows, because most of the stuff that is published on their front page is completely devoid of any character. That and their layouts are eye raping. Oh, and I can never remember the URLs to their sites so I wind up having to Google them every time I want to have my eyes sodomized. Sodomy. Raping. Fellatio. This is why video games aren't considered an art form, guys. Sorry.
So, because I have a degree in being a snooty Nintendo fansite reader, I have a bit of a prize for all those who read my N-Sight today. I've made a little list of video game reviews that are doing it right. You see, after reading every review published on every website ever, you really start to appreciate the ones that go above and beyond the normal boundaries of accepted "video games journalism" and actually strive to make the reader not only feel entertained, but feel for the writer himself. This list is by no means exhaustive as it only contains reviews that I can think of off the top of my head, but there are a few good ones in here. So please continue on to read my first N-Sight in way too long, entitled...
LOL, Reviews
~lol did i mention that i invented n-sights, guys~
~lol did i mention that i invented n-sights, guys~
X-Entertainment
Jaws: The Nintendo Game!
by Matt (2004)
I'll start this off with one of my favorite reviews ever, and certainly the definitive review of Jaws for the NES, by Matt, owner of X-Entertainment.com. This review is so good that if I had a counter that kept track of how many times I've read it, I would have surely broken it by now. There are so many good jokes about the NES design status quo and they're all spot on, from bad copy-editing to disproportionate sprites to uneven difficulty levels.
"The trick is, you've gotta stab Jaws right in his white belly. He'll flop to and fro, all over the sea, but only when he's just in front of your strobey thing will you be able to deliver the death blow. Jaws, not really disproving any arguments about sharks being idiots, will just keep hopping up and down trying to give you a clear shot, for however long it takes. Nail the bitch in the right spot, and you're in for a bleeding treat."
It's great the whole way through, and the best part is there's an .mp3 at the end of the essay of the entire review read back through a text-to-speech thing.
PlanetGameCube
Pokemon Dash
by Chris Bethea (2005)
Christ Bethea wasn't a PGC contributor for too long (which totally justifies me slamming them back there) and I'll admit now that I don't quite remember why I laughed at this when it was first published (even more justification), but I did. I think it was interesting to see a review published on PlanetPressRelease that had the tagline "The should have called it 'Pokémon Crap'. Because it's crap." NWR take note: that is exactly the kind of abstract that I like to see.
Anyway there are some decent jokes in this article, specifically towards the beginning, but he did generally do a good job of getting across his contempt for the title and you kind of feel bad for him because of it, as the reader. It's one of those deals where he makes it look so bad that you kind of want to play the game just to see his points for yourself, but you know you'll end up thinking like him anyway. That's reverse persuasion, or something.
InsertCredit
Sonic Battle
by Tim Rogers (2004)
I consider this to be the only good review of Sonic Battle ever written. Tim Rogers is no stranger to the style he wrote this in, a style dubbed "new games journalism", which is all about being pretentious and not too much about video games. Actually, he might have invented that term. He might have invented God for all I know. Anyway his review actually starts a third of the way down the page but the setup is fun to read. He called Sonic Battle a "video game based on a video game" because of the story that seems almost too un-Sonic-y, which is true because I distinctly remember tasting my lunch after getting 15 minutes into the game. It makes Sonic Rush's story look as fun as Kill Bill's and that game involves a god damn cat on fire that comes from another dimension.
Consolevania
Modern Man
by some dude at Consolevania (2007)
This is a video and it might not be a review but it's pretty great. It's for an old surreal Japanese arcade game called Trio the Punch. Please don't open it if someone is in the same room as you.
N-Philes
Dogz
by Jordan Mammo (2007)
Yes, this was just published on N-Philes a few days ago, but I think it deserves special mention. I used to have a mental list of Nintendo fansite writers that I liked. I would religiously read every article written by them as they were published. But now that list is down to one person, and that happens to be Jordan. This is a review of Ubisoft's pet sim game Dogz and it's so funny I actually laughed harder the second time I read it.
"If that's not bad enough, the town's canine obsession will surely turn some heads. Half the channels on the television feature dogs. You've got posters of puppies in your room. The people you meet either have puppies and love them or are jealous because they want a puppy sooo badly."
This is one of the funniest things written for N-Philes and definitely one of my favorite reviews published on any fansite. He doesn't outright say that the game sucks even though he railed it in the overall score, but instead talks about the experience the game tries to create and how bizarre it can be. That's perfect. That's what new games journalism should be, really.
ScrewAttack
The Nerd's Christmas Fun Part 1
by James Rolfe (2006)
James Rolfe's internet streaming video character may run its joke well dry sometimes but he definitely nailed it in his rant on Bible Adventures for the NES. The Angry Video Game Nerd's riffs in this video go beyond his usual "puke in its own ass" lines and jokes about animals humping his ear and actually shows some cleverness that was unexpected, even for me, and I love this character. Watching him go on about how Noah can lift a horse over his head and still run at full speed kind of makes you wish one of your friends were that funny so you and him could just hang around and play bad NES games all day. His timing is great and his lines aren't obnoxious and force as they sometimes are. So if you've had a bad impression of this guy, at least check this video out, because it has some great moments.
So that's all I've got for now and seeing as how it's nearing two A.M. I guess I should probably get some sleep. Maybe I'll post more later, maybe I won't, but I'll end with this note:
I've been doing this for years and I probably know more than you about amateur online journalism. If you're going to write reviews that's great, but at least read some other ones that aren't published on IGN or GameSpot, at least every once in a while. Being substandard is what's keeping us sharp.
