Wi-Philes

As people pack theaters this week to see Bryan Singer's vision of Richard Donner's vision of Simon & Schuster's Superman, debates have risen in the nerd-based online community as to why the Man of Steel is or isn't awesome enough to warrant a new movie.

To those who say that Superman is indeed worthy of a recharge to his franchise, I say you are in for a real treat. The new film will delight and astound you with special effects Donner could only dream of and a love story that makes even the most heterosexual men wish they could slip on a pair of heels and a fun (but functional) work skirt and fly around the city with a grown man in skin-tight spandex.

To those who think that Superman is a boring character who didn't deserve a new film, I respectfully ask that you watch some Justice League episodes or better yet pop in a DVD of the Max Fleischer Superman cartoons and get back that "golly gee" feeling that apparently has died somewhere inside you. Still not convinced? Well I hope a boulder falls on you. Or a comet. A comet would work just fine. And the reason I think this is because there's really no way anybody could truly dislike Superman - or at least dislike him enough not to have an open mind to allow for a balls-to-the-wall superhero flick directed by the man who brought Wolverine to life so successfully to the silver screen.

People may wonder aloud, "What's so interesting about Superman? He's just a boy scout with unlimited powers!" Or they may exclaim, "Hey Superman's character never seems to change... he's not DYNAMIC ENOUGH!" These things are usually said by people who a) have no souls thus rendering them joyless wretches incapable of feeling superlove, b) Batman and/or Spawn fanatics or c) are Lex Luthor.

Well I'll tell you why Superman is so cool. The kids these days might be "oohing" and "aahing" over their fancy cell phones and ipods and fandangled birth control, but none of these will ever use heat vision to save your plane from crashing. Never. And I'll tell you what else Superman will do for you: He will never lie to you like your cheating husband did, the bastard. He will always save your life no matter who you are. Even if you're Uwe Boll. He will never stop fighting for Truth, Justice and the American (or subsidiary thereof) Way, even if he has to die to make sure you and your snot-nosed brats live another day.

And don't expect any brooding about it either, unlike some other darker, more tortured superheroes. No, you can interrupt dinner, drop your firstborn on his head, wear white after Labor Day – none of this matters; he's going to love you just the same and he's going to pull you out of the wreckage and use his x-ray vision to make sure your internal organs are intact. And after he's done saving you, he's going to wave and smile and you're going to feel better in knowing there is someone up there looking out for you. And maybe – just maybe - you'll want to live up to the same standard of goodness after you get home.

So, while we as viewers may become enraptured with Batman or Wolverine and the internal strife they go through in changing and becoming the heroes they are, I think Superman remains a stalwart for justice and ethics and unconditional affection in which we are enamored not necessarily by the changes Superman undergoes himself, but by the way he inspires people be more than who they are. And obviously you need it because God knows you're sitting here online reading this when you could be out making sure Grandma hasn't poked a fork in the electric socket.

So now that we've proven that anti-Superman fans want the terrorists to win, you're probably wondering what happened with that movie in this so-called movie review.

Well, I loved it.

In fact, I loved it so much I'm telling you that I am contemplating putting my size 36 butt into a size 28 spandex suit with a big "S" on it for Halloween. Hell I might just wear the suit all the time; take it to work, to a baseball game, to church (assuming I went to church), Indian restaurants – you know, anywhere people might need me to step in and stop bullets or thwart Nazis. This is because I felt like a kid again - a crazy idealistic kid who really would wear a tiny spandex suit all day everyday if given the chance and isn't at all concerned with the concepts of "public decency" or "Miranda Rights" or the fact that jumping off a building will kill you.

If you remember the tagline for 1978's Richard-Donner-directed Superman: The Movie, the marketers thought it would be cute to say "You'll Believe A Man Can Fly". And for the most part I think movie patrons back then left the theater thinking a man could. Today, we are expecting no less than perfection in our special effects. 15 years ago, we didn't really believe we could see realistic dinosaurs eat lawyers but after Jurassic Park, many of us became believers. Since then, we've seen Spider-Men swing, Jedis Jed, Neos tame the Matrix and Titanics sink – all with varying degrees of success.

With that in mind, I should say that the CGI in this film is pretty immaculate. And for a price tag of around $260 million, you better hope it rocks your face off. When Supes flies around the city or even up into space, you don't think "There goes CGI Superman blurring his way around the city!" the way CGI Yoda blurred around the screen fighting Sith Lords. Just check out the scene with a crashing airliner to grasp the full effect of what it means to do effects the right way. What I loved even more about it is that it's done not only with precision but with an artistic flair that hearkens back to the Fleischer cartoons from the 1940's or the covers of Action Comics. It's a hero shot through an iconic lens and there isn't anywhere near the campiness of the latter Batman films or the Superman films for that matter.



But special effects do not an iconic movie make. Nope, you need to infuse humanity into it if you want for people to relate and emotionally invest in something. A great example of this might be The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring in which special effects were used not as a grandstanding "Hey-Look-At-My-Big-Penis!" triumph of technology but as means to a satisfying end; a compliment to the story. A bad example of this would be say Star Wars: Episode 1 where Lucas tried to turn entirely CGI characters like Natalie Portman into believable, likable computerized creatures. Add in gorgeous lighting, seamless computer effects and amazing set pieces and you have one giant yummy Brandon Routh flavored jumbalaya of quality. So now what's all this hubbub about Jesus?

Hey don't give me that look, I'm just talkin' about Jesus. Let's make some comparisons here: Both came down from the heavens to help humanity, both have amazing superpowers and both will save your ass regardless of whether you bite your toenails or not. The allusion to the Christ figure is really undeniable here, and throughout the life of the character there have always been those who considered Kal-El to be a nod as the Guardian or Protector of Earth's inhabitants. There are even a few scenes where Superman's curiosity gets the best of him and he uses his x-ray vision to take a peek inside Lois' house, which some viewers might find to be "weird" or "creepy". Hey, you don't hear 2 billion Christians crying about Jesus looking in on their personal business. I mean this guy is way more intrusive than Superman. Christ is everywhere! He watches you on the toilet, getting to third base with some stranger in a taxi cab, wearing your pet chihuahua like a hat while singing showtunes – and the list goes on. So what if Superman spends a couple of seconds overhearing a conversation? He's probably saved your life about 20 times over. I'd probably let him spank my wife with a cactus branch if he felt like it and thank him afterward for the honor!

So how does this movie stack up to its predecessors? To me, there really isn't a contest. Whereas I enjoyed Superman: The Movie as one of the most entertaining and fun superhero films, there was always that resentment for Donner's choice at making Luthor a jester of a villain with a bumbling sidekick you'd just love to run over with a dump truck. Adding in vague psychic powers and an ending that boggles the mind (and not in a good way) and you have a fun film that didn't quite hit the mark perfectly.

Superman II, I thought, was even better mixing in more action than the previous film, but thrown in was even more humor and camp. Sadly, things only went downhill from there. Richard Pryor mugged his way through Superman III while... er... what happened in Superman IV? Who cares, the last two flicks in the series were like a bad dream, which is great since Superman Returns seems to begin where Superman II left off.

And what about that cast? Kevin Spacey takes a sledgehammer to Gene Hackman's forehead (not literally) by being the playfully ruthless villain he should be. Parker Posey as Kitty Kowalski? Oh you lovely minx, you're the best hapless female sidekick with nothing to gain but a trip to Metropolis Women's Prison ever. Brandon Routh hits a homerun as Superman while Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane for me was a bit sterile, but my loins ached with love for both of them (and are still aching). And please don't forget James Marsden a.k.a. Cyclops who actually got some screen time as Lois Lane's long-time boyfriend and who thankfully doesn't get his ass handed to him half as much as it did in the X-Men movies.



In the end, If there is anything bad to say about Superman Returns, it's that it perhaps went on a little too long, but maybe that's my ADD-damaged brain wanting to see more explosions and action instead of slow dialogue and thoughtful pacing. I usually have a lot of daggers to toss at films, but this time, I think Bryan Singer has created something almost impeccable in its technical aspects while delivering heat vision to the testicles in the enjoyment category. So let's all bow our head and give thanks to a director who's proven that after 20 years you can still believe a man can fly.