Deacon

I'm not really one to brag about things like this. It's just typically not in my nature; I only bring up such matters when the conversations steers in that direction, and otherwise I'll keep it all to myself with a smug little smile. But last night at Daisy's was not only intense, not only glorious, and not only pretty impressive on my part, it was also a hell of a lot of fun. So might as well share it with all you guys, right? Prepare for...

... the tale of how I went from Peach’s Castle opening to Bowser's defeat in just under two hours! (I'm proud of myself)

Now many of you might not really be impressed with that. In fact, about a quarter to midnight, when I proposed my plan to Daisy that I would beat Super Mario 64 in two hours, she herself didn't see any reason why it couldn't be done with ease. So let’s get on the math train and see just how serious an undertaking we’re talking about here. With only 120 minutes of total working time and 70 stars necessary to even gain access to Bowser, that leaves only about a minute and forty-two seconds to grab each star, which is to say nothing of the three Bowser levels that do not necessarily yield stars, or all that time spent running from one world to another. So let’s not jerk around here: you'd need some major know-how about Mario's world, not to mention the skillz necessary to pay the billz. You better believe it and I'm loaded with both.

I started this little gambit with pretty much no mental preparation; just jumped right out of that Warp Pipe and hit the ground running. The Big Bob-omb was defused within two minutes. Somewhere in between the dashing, short-cutting, and assorted acrobatics, I tried to formulate some kind of plan to attack. But I kept on chugging, jumping back into the Bob-omb Battlefield time and again to race Koopa the Quick, shoot to that island in the sky, and free the Chain Chomp. I figured that winging to the sky for the 5 secret coins would take far too long if I didn’t have the Wing Cap, and there was no way I was going to waste my time on the Red Coins, so I booked right out of there and into the nearest available level, Cool Cool Mountain.

So by now it was obvious to me, as I’m sure it is to you at this point, that star selection was going to be a major factor that would make or break my goal. I mean, to get 70 stars at a rate of around a minute-and-a-half each, I had to make sure I wasn’t plodding along looking for stars that were going to take more time than they were worth. So 100-coin Secret Stars are right out, as are most of the Red Coin levels. In the end, the only Red Coin stars I got were from Lethal Lava Land, Boo’s Big Haunt, Tall Tall Mountain, Snowman’s Land, and Tick Tock Clock. Every other level would have taken up too much time collecting them, understand? So it just couldn’t be done. For another thing, Rainbow Ride in its entirety was completely out of the question. I think there’s one star there that I could have grabbed without riding around on the magic carpet, and the Red Coins there might have been do-able in around two minutes, but my memory was a tad fuzzy on that level on a whole so I figured I should just do without. On I went.

It was probably between fifteen minutes and a half hour into the adventure by the time I squared off against Bowser the first time, but at this point I had at least twenty stars so I wasn’t really sure if I was doing well or if I needed to worry. I’d picked up about four or five stars from each of the First Floor levels, the Wing Cap Secret Star, and one of the two stars you could get on the Secret Slide. I forgot to go back in a second time until I had beaten Bowser a second time for some reason. The only star I regret not making a play for was “Blast to the Stone Pillar” on Jolly Roger Bay, which I’d also forgotten about at the time.

I was doing alright though. More or less, I was sticking to a pace of earning about a star every minute or so. Looking back at it, Jolly Roger Bay might have brought my average rate down a tad, but overall I was doing alright. I don’t believe I'd even died yet. I had a scare when the eel knocked me a bit, bringing me down to only one point of life left at damn near the bottom of the sea, but I’m an excellent swimmer so I somehow made it up for air in time.

To really understand the feel of it all, you’d have to know that one main reason that Super Mario 64 is so damn fun for me to play is probably the same reason I’m pretty fun to watch. I go around like a coked-up Flying Grayson, to the point that Daisy said I play like a maniac, and also to the point that she told me to slow the hell down quite a few times when I hit a snag due to my non-stop flipping and whatnot. I wasn’t just joking earlier when I said it was pretty intense; it got hot enough from raw concentration and will that I had to take off my long sleeve shirt to keep myself from sweating. Thankfully Daisy was sweet enough to fix me a PB&J and a glass of milk to “keep my strength up”. It was at that point that I realized that girls don’t really do things like this, as she responded to my “strength” reasoning with, “You know, that’s not actually you doing all that.” I guess I might think that way, too, if I also lacked the essential y-chromosome that gives my brain an almost metaphysical link into all things virtual. Of course, all you N-Philers True Gamers out there know that this kind of thing can be pretty strenuous. I recall many-a-time that I was literally dripping sweat during Smash Bros. tournaments. In fact one time, this one kid was visibly shaking in anticipation of his match in such a tournie. When you’re really into it, things get intense.

Anyway I digress. Moving to the basement it didn’t take more than about five seconds to grab that little bunny. That’s a nice quick star right there. And Lethal Lava Land? Thanks to the Wing Cap, I was only a long jump and a short flight from anywhere on the level, so that whole world went by in about five minutes. I flew right over the gate of the Red Hot Log Rolling, and really the only hangup I had at all was that it took so long to get up to the top of the volcano. Not too long, but longer than anything else on the level by far. On a side-note, it was somewhere between “Red Hot Log Rolling” and “Pole Jumping for Red Coins” that Daisy and I realized that Mario had almost entirely shifted his theme from drug references to homosexual undertones since his days on the NES. That provided some nice laughs that warded off my feeling guilty that I was playing videogames for two hours while my sick girlfriend watched and fed me, all-the-while putting up with the constant swearing and incredibly cocky attitude that I traditionally adopt when I get into gamer mode.

Although I generally regard the Basement as my least favorite part of Mario’s adventure, it was a total blessing to my cause. My pace exploded from steady in the First Floor to outright manic in the Basement, what with such incredibly quick finds as “8 Coin Puzzle with 15 Pieces”, “The Manta Ray’s Reward”, and “Shining Atop the Pyramid”. It was also relatively easy business to get the last two Caps, and after I’d plundered Dire Dire Docks of everything but its Red Coins, I made a bolt for Bowser, blew through his defenses with amazing form, and moved upwards. You should really see me play Bowser in the Fire Sea sometime. It’s incredible.

By now things were looking good for me, after a bit of anxiety early on. The first 20 stars came steadily, though a bit more slowly than I’d have liked. By the time I left the Basement, after quickly grabbing every star on Big Boo’s Haunt, I was sitting pretty on 51 stars with around 45 minutes left. I was still a bit concerned, though, I wasn’t going to be able to reap rewards from the Second Floor as easily as I had in the Basement. I had Snowman’s Land, Wet Dry World, Tiny Huge Island, Tall Tall Mountain, and Tick Tock Clock, because like I said, there was no way I was even visiting Rainbow Ride or that Wing Cap course. So basically I needed four stars on each level, and most of those levels don’t really have four quick stars. Thankfully Toad donated his second star to the cause to make things a little easier, though I somehow in the flurry of star-grabbing forgot that Toad would have given me another star on the third level near the Clock. Dang.

At this point Daisy actually seemed very interested in everything. She was checking my cell phone for the time after I got every one or two of those last 20 stars. At this point, even in just a short-sleeve shirt, I was sweating profusely. I was also getting pretty damn desperate for stars, because I didn’t want to spend too much time on anything where I was, but I didn’t want to go back downstairs either, especially since I wasn’t sure I’d even left much downstairs worth going back for. I hit some snags on Snowman’s Land by killing the two Spindrift enemies that I had to bounce off to in order to whirl over the freezing pond and get the star and the Koopa shell for the Red Coin star. Also, I had to bite the bullet and climb to the top of Tall Tall Mountain twice, for the “Scale the Mountain” and “Mysterious Mountainside” stars. I nabbed the “Shoot to the Lonely Shroom” with one shot, which was fortunate because that could have been a real time-monster if I had to keep at it. So it was lucky for me that I am awesome at videogames.

Three stars to go and I made a mad dash for the third floor and the Tick Tock Clock. Good thing I forgot about Toad’s generous gift of a star right next to the clock, because then things wouldn’t have been nearly as climactic. Anyway, I went for “Roll Into the Cage”, “Get a Hand”, and “Stop Time for Red Coins” to get those last three I was running really slim on time at this point though, because I only had a little over ten minutes to go when I started the Clocklevels, and only about six to go when I made it to Bowser in the Sky.

At this point I was routinely shouting at Daisy to remind me to slow down, because my hands were nearly operating out of my control. I felt that special sense of jittery that usually only comes when you need to perform well but are also running out of time. Far-fetched analogy, I know. I fell off the level once at a point that I don’t believe I’ve ever fallen. I mean, from the beginning of the game I displayed a fairly lackadaisacal attitude toward’s Mario taking damage, like I always do. I’d opt to just jump off a cliff rather than waiting for an elevator, almost never go up for air while underwater, and that kind of thing (which earned some amount of worrying/scolding from Daisy) but at this point I was operating at pretty much the mental plane of a Terminator robot: I had the vague notion that I was invincible, so any damage I sustained was worth it for those precious few seconds it saved me in disregarding Mario’s personal safety. This is more or less how I play videogames anyway, once I’m familiar with them, but by now Mario was a full-fledged PCP addict. Daisy had to adopt a damn shrill tone quite a few times to remind me that I had about five minutes left so I could take my time, but I had no idea how long it would take me to kill Bowser, because jittery as I was I couldn’t be certain at how well I’d throw him for the third and final kill.

I focused, focused, focused, and while I probably didn’t slow down much at all, I managed to keep myself alive all the way to the end pipe that led to the final bout with Bowser. Man oh man was that ever a blowout. I could have done it all with only one minute left, let alone the five I had going for me. I believe I missed a bomb once, but even so, Bowser didn’t get a chance to attack me at all. I was on his tail from the word “go” and every time he got back up he was already back in the air again.

The clock read 1:56 a.m. when Bowser ate spike bomb for the last time. I leapt in victory. There was many a victory-fist-pump and “BOO YA!!” Then I caught control of myself long enough to pick up the controller again to jump into Bowser’s relinquished Power Star and cue the ending. Then more victory dancing. Then I laid down on the groud for a few minutes to let the feeling wash over me, and also give my pulsating arms a rest.

I don’t really know how impressive this whole story is to any of you. I guess it depends on your own video game prowess, and whether you’ve tried this kind of thing yourself. I’m sure there are people out there who have done much better, and personally I think if I had all my ducks in a row I could have taken my score down by maybe fifteen minutes or so. But for now, I’m proud of myself, and I think it was pretty awesome. My passion for the N64 marvel was recently rekindled and this was a perfect underline for that enthusiasm, not to mention a completely misguided and dorky way to try to impress my girlfriend. I don’t really know where to go from here. I’m almost equally afraid to make a stab at a 120-star marathon as I am to try the same concept with Ocarina of Time or Mario Sunshine. Maybe I’ll just take a break for now, or see if I can break my record on the 70-star challenge.

Well whatever I end up doing, if you’ve never tried something like this, you should really try it. If not with Mario 64, just grab some game you’re familiar with, and breakneck race to the finish. It’ll make you feel like a man. Or it’ll just be a fun way to blow some time. Either way, totally worth it.

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CA Blog: I was a SEGA kid

Hero

Good for you. All my favourite games are not the type of game you could beat in one session though. The closest would be Beyond Good and Evil but I wouldn't want to spend 12 hours straight playing it.

Maxwell

Ah, racing through Metroid...

Fun article.

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MalevolentMaster

Read: "Moment of Triumph" thread I posted a few months ago. Perfect application of the stuff in there.

Of course, you didn't have to waste all that time getting 70 stars to finish the game ^ _ ^ because there's a glitch which lets you finish with 15 stars. Oh well. Manhood wins, I guess.

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beta_fuse

^what glitch is this?

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Dawson

I can clock Mario Advance 4 in 51 minutes. Give me your praise.

Beating Mario 64 in 2 hours is a mighty accomplishment, though. Well done, "Jared".

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MalevolentMaster

'Tis actually an amalgation and application of two other glitches.

As for the bolded ones...

Credits to Dom Dunc of the Center for Glitch Studies.

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Mysti

Spawn

I had a lot of fun reading that article. Good work Deacon/Jared, both on Mario 64 and the article!

It really made me miss my N64 though... I really need to pay my dear brother a visit.

CuBi

This should be revived.

Way to go Jared, if 2 and a half years late!

Chrono

I opened the first door and defeated the first bowser in about twenty three minutes, if it means much.

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burning_phoneix

Holy ++++! 2 year revival!

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