N-Philes

Well look what we have here. Once again Bowser is running amuck in the Mushroom Kingdom, or more specifically, having his son run amuck by doing all sorts of illegal stuff that ends up in a) getting Mario jailed for doing crimes he didn't' commit and b) of course snatching the only woman I know who can get kidnapped a dozen times and not carry a loaded gun just in case it happens again. Now if watching American mainstream media is any indication, a missing white woman is the real story here, but I don't think that's the meat of the matter at all. In fact, I think the real story here lies not in some bimbo and her adventures with her common-law plumber husband, but in the children.

Yes, the children.



Although I think it borders on abuse to have kids subjected to the voice acting on Super Mario Sunshine in itself, the real victim here is Bowser Jr. Now let's just assume that Delfino Island has similar laws to our own. We can run down a list of the crimes perpetrated by Bowser Jr. (who is probably around 10 years old):

• Trespassing
• Theft (water backpack)
• Treason
• Illegal Chemical Dumping and Resulting in Environmental Hazards Resulting in Possible Death
• Possession of Unlicensed Firearms and Weaponry
• Defacing Public Property (Graffiti)
• Kidnapping/Abduction
• Attempted Murder

So not only is our pre-pubescent lizard prince a nuisance, he's a juvenile felon! But what makes things worse is that not only does Bowser encourage his son to act out this way, he exacerbates the situation by telling him that his mother is actually Princess Peach and Mario is the person responsible for holding her hostage.

Tragic.

Now something like this really begs the question, "Where did it all go wrong?" Well if we dig a little deeper we find some severe dysfunctional qualities already at work in the Bowser family. For one, dad has been in and out of prison throughout his adult life, never really able to get his act together to the point where he can stop trying to kill people or hold down a steady job that isn't being a fascist dictator. There are no female role models in the castle really except for some random female accomplices like Kammy Koopa. Add to that unsanitary living conditions, 10 brothers and sisters to compete with – hey is there any surprise this kid is a wretched little brat?

And what's worst of all is that nobody really knows where the mother of all these kids is. You have Ludwig Von Koopa, Roy, Iggy, Wendy O., Morton, Larry, Lemmy and Bowser Jr. - all of whom are given their own castles (spoiled much?) and who may or may not even have the same mother! This isn't to mention the Red, Green and Blue Koopa Kids of the Mario Party series who may not even be related to the rest of them, but considering Bowser's record for spawning psychotic illegitimate children, we can guess that due to their propensity for causing trouble that the shell hasn't fallen far from the tree. That's 11 kids people. King Koopa really gets around.

And if you're confused about the whole Baby Bowser versus Bowser Jr., you're not the only one. Although Baby Bowser (Yoshi's Island, Mario & Luigi Partners in Time) and Bowser Jr. (Super Mario Sunshine) look very similar, one is only the baby-form of our favorite King Koopa and the other is actually Bowser's son.



Since I don't really understand Koopa biology or how exactly children are created by these lizard creatures, I'm left to ponder: Who in their right mind may have gotten bi-zay with Bowser and who was willing to slam out 11 kids for him? And considering many of the Koopa Kids seem to be similar in age, some may have been fraternal twins, or even triplets. Try blasting these kids out of your foofer and see how long you stick around for more. Regardless, someone had to do it – so who could it have been? This probability chart may answer some questions.



Princess Peach: She's constantly being kidnapped and in different videogames, and it's been no secret that King Koopa is very attracted to her. But would she have acquiesced to having his monstrous member in her Princess patch? The chances of this are slim to none; she already has a plumber to clean her pipes and the fact that she couldn't possibly have secretly bore all these children without anybody knowing it says the Princess is out of contention regardless of what Bowser says.

Kammy Koopa: Seen following King Koopa around everywhere he goes, Kammy is not only of the same species but can actually stand being around Koopa without wanting to vomit. Still, she seems to have gotten on in age, so her reproductive system is probably either dead or dying, but with magic, anything is possible - even an 800-pound drooling dragon-creature all up in your business. It's possible.

Birdo: Now Birdo is an odd creature. With make-up and fake eyelashes, everyone assumes she is in fact a she. As many of us already know, early game guides described Birdo as a confused male who "thinks he is a girl and he spits eggs from his mouth. He'd rather be called 'Birdetta.'" Transgendered? Maybe. Willing to spawn? Probably. Mother to 11 baby lizards? There's not much resemblance but I guess anything is possible.

Mother Brain: Now Mother Brain really isn't part of the Mario Universe, but when I think of two uglies bumping, these two are almost made for each other. Two angry, filthy, sexually repressed villains who can take what the other can dish out? I think it's a match made in heaven. In fact "Mother" Brain seems like she's ready and willing to be a proud mom to a bunch of street urchins. Did they do the mattress mambo? No probably not, but it's awesome to think about.

Yes, I'm a lonely, lonely man.

Adoption: It makes sense that any mother in her right mind would dump these kids off at the nearest castle, but I don't think Koopa would have it in his heart to go out of his way to take in a bunch of whiny kids who attack anybody for any reason whatsoever. It would be sort of like having pit bulls who can talk.

Cloning and/or Genetic Tampering: This to me seems the most reasonable theory for the Koopa Kids' existences. Think about it: We've never heard about a Koopa wife or a Koopa mother and how would Nintendo explain having a character who has fathered 11 illegitimate children? No, this smells to me like Kammy Koopa and Company have been tampering in things that ought not to be tampered with. These soulless abominations were rendered from DNA strands and test tubes - but if anyone has any further information on this, please let me know.



So now that we at least have a better understanding of why Bowser Jr. lashes out the way he does (someone needs a hug), we now realize why he in fact has kidnapped Princess Peach in Mario Sunshine, why he's calling her "Mama Peach" and why he and Bowser team up at the end of the game to try and defeat Mario. Sadly, the end bosses are pushovers, giving you barely a challenge.



Essentially you piss off Bowser who happens to be soaking in a hot tub full of toxic nastiness (can't you just drop a toaster in?) and all hell breaks loose. That is, if hell was really easy to beat and the only thing you had to do was dodge Bowser's flames and use your rocket boost to fly into the air and come down with a butt stomp, destroying different parts of the level.



I'm not kidding, it's that easy. Sure, Bowser Jr. is floating around in a boat trying to blow you up with Bullet Bills but I'm serious when I say that this was an extremely lame ending to a shaky, but enjoyable Mario title. Still, as I said before, the joy lies not in getting back Princess Peach, but perhaps it lies in defeating Bowser who not only has proved time and again to be an enemy to Mario, but an enemy to the Mushroom Kingdom Child Welfare Services. Let's wish good tidings on Bowser Jr. and his brothers as they are (hopefully) removed from Bowser's custody and placed in good decent homes that they can also help destroy.