N-Philes

Beat me with a rubber hose if you like but I admit that I never played Paper Mario 1 for the greatly overrated Nintendo 64 system. This is in part because I never really wanted to focus my attention on a system that sold $80 games and also because I was in prison for much of my young adulthood. Yet, after playing Paper Mario 2: Thousand Year Door, all I can think about is getting my hands on the first installment, or if there is a God, being able to download it using the Nintendo Wii's virtual console system.

Yes, folks, this is one game GameCube owners should never have missed (and since it's now a Player's Choice title there's no real reason not to pick it up). While not as hilarious as the GBA's Mario and Luigi Superstar Saga, this game is fun and entertaining in its own right with interesting characters and all sorts of new lands to explore.

After about forty hours or so of leveling up, I had finally reached the Palace of Shadow where Princess Peach was being held against her will by some sort of perverted sentient dancing computer, and it wasn't looking pretty. I had beaten the crap out of a few giant dragons, the Shadow Sirens, Grodus and Bowser (again) and I was regretting being a cheapass by not buying more items to use during battle. Still, I had confidence in myself and in my little yoshi friend (Spanky) as we were the only ones standing between peace and having all of my friends forced to work in labor camps by screaming shadow creatures who didn't care if I lived or died, much like half the workforce in China.



After walking into the room where Peach is being held, Grodus pretty much lets you know you're about to have your ass handed to you and be forced to wear it as a fashionable hat. His plan is to release the Shadow Queen from her slumber, but like most overzealous villains, he doesn't think before he speaks. Once the Queen is awakened, he lets her know that she'd better fall in line because if he asks her to jump, she better be asking "how high?"

Then she blasts him to smoking pieces with a giant lightning bolt, and then vaporates the bloody chunks with another one. Ouch.

And that's just the beginning. The Shadow Queen then asks you to join her or be killed. Since there was no option to sacrifice all the inhabitants of Delfino Island, I chose "up yours lol" and the battle began.

Being the black-hearted smoke manifestation of evil that she is, the Shadow Queen takes over the body of Princess Peach, perhaps because her powers can't be fully utilized without a corporeal body or perhaps because she likes wearing a tacky velvet dress with equally dowdy matching gloves. At first things seem hopeless: your first attacks are as effective as an apron at a feminist convention, and later have no effect at all, like penises at the same convention. After the Shadow Queen toys with you for a bit she lets you know that she's about to jam all of the Crystal Stars straight up your ass. But since Peach's body is too "unfamiliar" to her, she rejects the Princess' silly human form, early 80's hairstyle and all (good for you, Shadow Queen).



Without warning the Crystal Stars, which were being held God knows where, fly to different parts of the world where they telepathically let the kingdom's inhabitants know that Team Mario is about to get a pain colonic courtesy of one Queen of Shadows. The stars themselves collect all the prayers, wishes and erotic Princess Peach fan fiction from everywhere and channel them into the Palace of Shadow where the Shadow Queen is taken by surprise. Summoning the rest of her power (you'd think she would have used this power to not get kidnapped every few days), Peach fully restores your HP, FP, Star Points and plumber sass.



Not to be outdone, the Shadow Queen utilizes some of the techniques also used by fellow shadow witch Anne Coulter by attacking you again and again with soul-sucking hand attacks, shadow bombs and rants about Liberals being the singular reason for the downfall of civilization. So, I smashed her in the face with a hammer. She didn't like that.

It took 25 minutes, the death of Stinky and the demise of my little turtle buddy who I only used to give me a shell defense to take down the Queen and restore balance to the universe. It wasn't an easy battle either; after throwing all sorts of crap at her like sleepy sheep and falling stars, she had me down to my last hit points - one more shadow bomb and I would have been toast (and believe me with all of the unskippable cut scenes and dialogue it would have been extremely annoying to have to start over).

Amazingly I hit three gold stars with the slot machine mini-game and had my Star Points completely filled which gave me the chance to use my strongest attack: Supernova. Needless to say the Queen's entrails decorated the palace and Peach was once again indebted to my amazing skills.