N-Philes

There's a long history of villians with stupid but delicious names on Nintendo consoles. Metal Gear, for instance, led Solid Snake on a journey to take down the infamous Colonel Vernon CaTaffy. How are you supposed to be scared of a guy with a delicious sugary candy for a last name? The same way Wario's supposed to be terrified of Captain Syrup, final roadblock in Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3 and also today's End Boss.

After battling your way through a teapot, iceburg, forest, and castle, among other things, you finally arrive at the lair of Captain Syrup, who rides around on a genie. Your goal is to peg her sexy little body with the genie's lamp a couple times and finally rule the world. But wait! Oh-ho! Mario takes the statue which was apparently his in the first place but Wario should have because he beat Captain Syrup and that's just not fair! Mario, you card! Why can't Wario finally enjoy his just desserts? Why must you rub the stench of constant failure deeper into his nostrils? Why can't we all just get along? WHY!!!!!!



Because Wario has bigger and better things to own, that's why. After defeating the sexy, sexy Captain Syrup, Wario gets a different reward depending on how many treasures you've collected during the course of the game. Ranging from a birdhouse to an entire planet, these pixellated gray bitmaps will sure to satisfy any malcontent you may feel over Mario stealing everything you worked so hard for! Ha ha!

So, Captain Syrup. Perhaps if you were a more interesting boss, you'd have a more interesting writeup. As it stands now, babe, you're just a hot little piñata for my genie lamp bat.