TATANGA
Super Mario Land (GB)
Mario, you pimp. Priscilla couldn't satiate your lust for the female persuasion, you love and leave Toadstool, and you've convinced Peach to turn a blind eye while you pursue your latest bounty, Super Mario Land's Daisy. Tatanga, that rascally devil, has kidnapped Daisy and taken her across a land translators deemed too boring to translate into English. Traverse across Birabuto, Muda, Easton, and Chai to reach the other end of Sarasaland and save Daisy from certain spaceman rape or death or something. Yes, spaceman. The last level of Super Mario Land takes place high above the earth, and despite the fact that Mario apparently owns an airplane, Mario has decided that it would be far more efficient to run and swim through 11 other levels instead of simply flying to Tatanga.
Flying in his spaceship, Paguso, Tatanga flies around and fires rocks at you. That's right, rocks. Instead of fitting his SPACESHIP with lasers or photons or something, Tatanga fires ROCKS. Somebody this stupid deserves to have a girl forcefully taken from him by a plumber in a World War II-era biplane. Twenty-five hits, and Daisy is all yours.
First, of course, you have to conquer Tatanga's fearsome guardian. What could this devious mastermind possibly have come up with to protect himself from Mario's relentless assault? Surely he would choose something designed to instill fear and strike a sense of dread deep into the heart of man, right? No. Enter: Biokinton, a cloud that flies around and dies after a pathetically few number of hits.
So, Mario, sleep well tonight with the knowledge that, should Daisy be kidnapped again, filling that void next to you on your red satin sheets is as easy as shooting a cloud from an airplane and dodging some rocks shot out of a spaceship by one of the least intelligent video game bosses of all time. Godspeed, sweet prince.
