N-Philes

It's difficult what to make of the original Super Mario Bros. design which later became so accepted that the Mario universe became uniform with this concept, but when you actually sit back and analyze it you just have to wonder exactly what was Miyamoto thinking? Giving us so little of a backstory to drive the entire basis of his invention, our hero in this game is the next level of his brainchild, the aptly named "Jumpman" undoubtedly named for his ability to jump and the fact that he is indeed a man, has now been realized as Mario, a plumber from Brooklyn, stuck in a complex world of hate and blocks with mysterious question marks on it. Had this been in a real life setting (Brooklyn), hitting those question mark blocks would probably ignite a revolutionary movement to a Black Eyed Peas song, but in the Mushroom Kingdom these blocks spew out a variety of helpful items, including ones of the mushroom variety.

It's in this world that we enter what seems to be the plot, a giant lizard who spits fire and lives in a castle has stolen this magical world's Princess – Princess Toadstool to be exact (and I'll never understand exactly how long this name has been passed down from generation to generation, as if I were a man who were so self-absorbed as to name my own kingdom after myself I wouldn't particularly be too proud of a world where springboards are an accepted method of transportation.). This lizard's name is King Koopa, who becomes more familiar as "Bowser" later down the line in the Mario series (although according to the instruction manual he's still known as "Bowser, King of the Koopa"). It's a mystery to me how King Toadstool let times get so bad that there's constant civil war in his land between turtles and mushrooms, but I guess we'll save all of those details for a major motion picture. Oh wait...



King Koopa's debut shows him skinny and bald, much like a punk Skinhead who also specializes in stealing princesses, and without a doubt the basis for Dennis Hopper's character in the movie translation (the movie starring John Leguizamo and that other guy whose name no one can remember). As you travel deeper into his castle, the fourth level in each world, you'll notice that you're in range of his horrible, predictable fire attacks. They'll either come flying at you up high, down low, or straight down the middle, and no amount of walls of blocks can stop a single fireball. Once you arrive at his base you'll be confronted with a wide-open layout, sometimes obstructed by those same floating platforms that give you such easy access to the other sides of gaps. You'll be fighting an epic match on a bridge over lava, which works against King Koopa every single time and he never seems to realize it until the game is over and he's finally dead. His brilliant strategy is to jump up and down so our hero can run underneath him easily, and strategically place an ax on the other side of the bridge's suspension so that Mario can easily ax the bridge and send King Koopa to his fiery grave. Eight times. Sixteen if you count the minus world levels, but we wont, because if the name is any indication then that means it's just negative space and it doesn't really exist.

After being thwarted by many Toadstools who are supposed to be working with you instead of against you (they'll tell you she's in another castle and not mention which one, you should have just been able to guess that she was in one of the worlds where one of the levels is a giant maze that never ends) you finally reach the Princess. She shows her gratitude by giving Mario a loving kiss, which must have relieved him after beating the brains out of Goombas nineteen thousand times throughout his quest, only to be stolen again in a future game. We'll see you in Super Mario Bros. 2 Princess, at least you're somewhat useful there.