N-Philes

Space Invaders

Posted February 18th 2008 by Stephanie DeSiena.

Space Invaders is the hardest god damn thing created by man. In honor of Space Invaders Extreme being released in Japan this week, a game which you will all undoubtedly be purchasing from your favorite import store (that would be Play-Asia), I've decided to blog about how much I hate this stupid, stupid game.

I frequently return to the 1978 on one of many Taito collections I have laying around the house, because I hate my life. Words cannot properly describe how much anguish this game causes me with each and every iteration. From the original, to the slightly maladjusted sequel, to the cartoony remake (Space Invaders '95) to the 25th Anniversary editions, every single time I play Space Invaders I want to die. I mostly play the original on Space Invaders DX, because you can replace the blocky octopus aliens with cutesy baddies from Taito's vast portfolio of cutesy arcade games, which is like baking a cake for Satan.

This game is so hard because there is no particularly outstanding strategy to win, all you have to do is not suck for as long as possible. I challenge you to not suck at this game. My high score in the original (the original original, not the DX version), is somewhere in the 4050 range. That's level four with 3 lives (including zero). Every time I play the game my score gets worse and worse. It is the type of game that punishes you for trying to get better at it.

It is so god damn difficult I'm not even kidding. Anyone who plays it for more than a casual few minutes knows what I mean. I am so angry, I don't even know what to type.

The road to hell is paved with Space Invaders. If my hatred for this game were gasoline, I'd have enough to propel the Earth into the Sun. The government uses this game to control us. Tomohiro Nishikado's mind is equivalent to a thousand years of insufferable pain. Hitler loved Space Invaders.

I hope it dies in a thousand fires. I hope this game catches AIDs. I hope it's discovered that Space Invaders causes instant blindness so Taito will stop making them. I hope whoever even so much as thinks about the title has a heart attack and dies, because I don't want this shit to exist anymore. Fuck this game.

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